Joy Comes in the Morning

I never knew what pure joy was like until the morning my son was born and even as I write that comment I feel guilty for saying it, because it seems like a haughty comment, especially to all the people in the world who would give anything to have a child.  It seems ludicrous to even insinuate that joy is measured by what we’ve attained through parenthood and at the same time it’s the single most perfect way for me to describe pure joy. 

I waited the nine months for his arrival filled with fearful anticipation.  Fearful because of the expectations I placed on his life before he was even born.  Fearful because of a conversation I had with God when I was only a teen.  Imagining what my life would be like as an adult, being married and having children, I had a feeling deep within my heart that God was preparing me at an early age for some future heart ache.  Hearth ache in what I identified at the time as a special needs child.  That early conversation and preparation would stick with me through my college years, through the early years of my marriage and even after our son was born.  Vainly, I remember questioning my son’s appearance with my wife and asking if she thought he was alright.  I think I had felt for so long something was going to be wrong, I just wanted to reassure myself that he really was okay.  He looked beautiful to me, but something was still causing a restless feeling within.

We decided not to find out what the sex of our baby would be prior to birth.  We wanted to be surprised, but I think we did everything in our power to will a boy.  We painted the nursery a pale shade of blue decorated in a classic Winnie the Pooh theme.  We bought all neutral colors, but predicted we’d have a girl to any person who asked.  When the moment finally arrived and the doctor held him up and said “it’s a boy” I couldn’t hold back the tears.  What we had unintentionally willed had become a special gift for the two of us to share together.

What we learned was life can be unpredictable much of the time.  We predicted a girl but got a boy and we were happy.  Our boy was perfect and we were excited about the days ahead as new parents and for all our dreams to finally come true as we started our family together.  However, there was still the haunting conversation between a young naive boy and God that lingered somewhere deep in my soul and no matter how prepared God may have thought I was nothing could have prepared me for the difficult and painful journey we’d soon find ourselves on.

Our Story

I can still remember the day like it happened yesterday.  I had just returned from a men’s retreat with my church and when I arrived home, my wife greeted me with eager anticipation and excitement.  She’d probably been waiting all weekend to take the test, but wanted me to be preset so I could be a part of it.  Within a few minutes we knew we were about to be parents.

We were excited and happy and couldn’t wait to make the appointment with the doctor to have our initial thoughts confirmed by a professional.  Those box tests aren’t always accurate, so we wanted to be sure before we started telling our family and friends.  It was one of the longest, hardest, and difficult waits we’d ever endured.  We wanted to share our excitement with everyone else, but decided to wait until we were 100% sure.  At the time, we didn’t know this would end up being one of the many difficult times we waited for answers.

Over the next few days I’ll be sharing our story.  A story of joy, unexpected twists and turns, questioning, love, grace, anger, depression, and faith.  The road we’ve walked hasn’t been easy, it’s been very difficult, but it hasn’t been too difficult for us to endure.  This will be the story of how we’ve learned, grown, and wrestled with God.  How we’ve tried to embrace our own efforts and strength and learned that we must rely on God for his strength.  It’s a story that is incomplete and a story that’s still being written.  We don’t know the end or the in between, but we do know who holds the pen!

I don’t know what this weeks writings are going to look like.  I don’t even know what I’m going to say.  But I know that it’s a story that needs to be shared.  It’s time for me to finally put the feelings, the battles,  the regrets, and the joys on paper.  This will be more for me than anyone else, but someday my son will read these and know how much we truly love him.

Do You Know Who You Are?

My son is such a little actor.  Normally when I come home from work each day he’s so engrossed in his latest creation of Lego’s that I can barely get him to stop and even acknowledge that I’m talking to him.  Sometimes, I’ll just wrestle him to the floor and get his attention, but most days I let him play.

Tonight when I called him from my hotel room he got on the phone and said “Daddy I miss you so much, please come home.”  All of that with the saddest little whiny voice you can imagine.  I know he was just putting on a show, but it was still enough to get me thinking about him.

I started reading a new book yesterday and as I read the authors story, a few minutes ago, about the birth of his children, it caused me to start thinking about the day my son was born.  It is still one of the best days of my life.  My wife and I didn’t know what the sex of our baby was prior to birth and we had predicted a girl the whole time, so as I stood there awaiting the news and then hearing the doctor say “it’s a boy” you can only imagine how proud I was as a new dad.

The author of this book shares about a time in his life, after he became a Christian, when he struggled with his identity and believing that he was someone who God truly loves.  I think we all have times like that in our lives, but the author said he heard God saying something to him that has shaped his life and he is now using it to shape his children’s lives. 

Any day now our good friends will be having their first little girl.  They already have two boys, but things are about to change with a baby sister in the house.  Time for pink dresses and bows in her hair and a savings fund for the wedding some day! : )  Her big brothers will become her protectors and won’t let anyone push her around.  That’s what big brothers do.

Jay and Jodi I love you guys and I’m waiting every day to hear the news about your new little girl.  Tonight I want to leave this little thought with you from the new book I’m reading.  When you see your new daughter for the first time and you pick her up in your hands and look her in the face, ask her this question.

“Do you know who you are?…You’re the one Jesus loves.”  Let these words be the first she hears from you and tell her this over and over until she understands that “since the beginning of her life, she has belonged to him.  He shaped her in Jodi’s womb and his finger marks are permanently embedded in her.  She is the one that Jesus loves.”

I think we all need to ask ourselves this question…because we are all the one Jesus loves!