Flipped Switch

It’s an amazing and revealing feeling when the switch finally gets flipped and you realize why you’ve struggled to feel, to write, and to even sense a love for others.  I’ve had trouble thinking of what I can write about and how to even put into words the way I’ve been feeling.  A little empty would probably describe it the best, but I’ve not had any reason to feel that way.  Life is good and God is blessing me more right now than he has at any other time in my life.  But something has certainly been missing and I’ve been praying and asking God to just speak to me. 

Yesterday, while listening to an interview pod-cast with Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) I believe God pointed out what my problem is.  I’M COMFORTABLE!  I could sense it in Jamie’s voice and in his sincere answers.  He’s such a genuine and honest guy and he continually finds himself surrounded by hurting, depressed, and broken people.  His organization is doing an unbelievably good job at raising awareness and pointing out how so many people deal with addictions, depression, and severe disorders that leave them feeling lost and alone.

I’m feeling comfortable because when I look around at the people in my life I don’t see very many who are oppressed.  For the most part, the people in my circle are doing pretty well.  Sure there are problems and issues that we’ve dealt with, but compared to the man living on the street in Dallas, I’d say we’re all doing pretty well.

I’m finally to a point where I have to stop and ask “am I getting my hands dirty?”  What am I doing that is really helping people who are oppressed escape from their oppression and find the life that God wants us to all freely live?  What am I doing that puts myself right in the middle of the battlefield where I might be able to help someone?

I think part of the reason I feel so comfortable is from a lack of challenge in my life.  Most of that is my fault, because I’ve failed to read, seek out, and listen for those opportunities.  I’ve not been pushing myself to find the areas that need the most help and I find myself settling for the status quo.

Understand, I’m not being unreasonably hard on myself.  I am doing some really good things and helping children who are impoverished, but I do feel I have to stop and ask, how much I’m really making a difference.  It’s easy to send the money, the shoes, or the food, but when we’re required to really get our hands dirty, it’s often a different story.

Where I go from here and what my next step should be is the hard question, but as I prayed this morning I felt an overwhelming sense that God was saying “meet your neighbors, ask them what you can pray about for them, and maybe you’ll find oppression you didn’t know was there!”  Maybe if I will listen, trust in God, and do what I feel he’s asking me to do, my life won’t feel so complacent.

Bye, Bye, Twitter

Tonight I was talking a little with my wife about Lent.  I’ve really been thinking a lot about it and what I’ll give up this year.  I totally missed out on the beauty of Lent last year, because of my depression.  I was struggling so bad, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around giving something up.  I needed to be saved from what I was dealing with.

This year is a totally different story.  God is good and working in my life.  Our Organic Church is growing and amazing things are happening.  I’m totally excited and looking towards Lent with enthusiasm.  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for all of us as we journey through 40 days of sacrifice only to arrive at resurrection Sunday celebrating Him.

I know it’s not kosher to tell people what you are giving up for Lent, so if you read my blog and we see each other on a regular basis, just accept this as notice, and we don’t need to talk about it beyond this post.  My closest friends know how much I love Twitter and my wife will tell you I’m addicted.  Tonight she joked that I should give up my iPhone for Lent and I quickly squashed the thought.  But, for the past week or so, giving up Twitter for Lent has been heavily on my heart.  I can’t think of anything else I’m more attached to at this point in my life, so it’s perfect for creating a little reminder in my soul to help me constantly think over the next 40 days of the beautiful gift God gave to me in the form of his son.

Deletion of the application for Twitterfon and Twitterrific will be removed from my iPhone tomorrow when I sync my phone one last time before going out-of-town on business.  And, while I’m at it, I might as well say goodbye to Facebook.  It’s equally as addictive for me as Twitter and could serve as a mild replacement for giving up Twitter.  The reality of all of this could mean I have to rebuild my Tribe of followers on Twitter, but if that means more to me that a growth opportunity with my creator, then Twitter really is pretty pathetic.  I need this to be a time of reflection and drawing near to God.  I’m ready to grow, to be stretched, challenged and I can’t wait for resurrection Sunday!

I’ll see all of you on the back end of 40 days and I can’t to celebrate with a Tweet!

Leaving Egypt

I tend to write a lot in my journal about the things I wrestle or struggle with the most.  Depression, addictions, complaining, criticism, and much more are at the top of the list.  I’m definitely a work in progress and struggle with the best of these.  I also like to think I spend much of my time working through and processing the things I just mentioned.  I don’t mind change in my life, so I read, study, and talk about these things with friends.  I don’t have a desire to stay where I’m at and self-improvement is a necessity in my life.  I’m not saying I’m the best at doing it, but I do have the desire.

This week marks the beginning of the Lenten season and there’s no better time to think about our “Egypt’s.”  We all struggle with something, but the beauty is we don’t have to.  I know… easier said than done.  How many times have we heard that growing up in the church?  We can be like Christ!  We don’t have to stay where we’re at!  We can choose to be different.  We don’t have to remain a slave to our problems, our struggles, or our addictions.

Then why is it so dang difficult?  Do we continue to wrestle with these issues because we haven’t completely surrendered ourselves to God?  Is it that we aren’t really “saved”?  Or is it just a process of refinement that we continue to go through with God, recognizing our complete need and dependence of him?

Even the Israelite people continued to struggle after they were led from Egypt by Moses.  They saw pillars of dust and fire, bodies of water split in two, and manna fall from heaven, but continued to struggle with complaining, arguing, and worshiping false gods.  They lacked faith in their creator and couldn’t trust in his ability to lead them to a promised land.  They even wanted to return to the pot of meat they ate from during their time of captivity and abuse.

So I ask the question, why should we consider it so much easier for ourselves to flee from our Egypt’s and not feel the desire to return to them?  And why is it so hard for us to grasp the reality when we continue to fall prey and victim to our addictions and then find ourselves bruised, beaten, and hurting from our momentary lapse in judgment?  Why is it so easy to judge and condemn those who continually struggle with these problems?  Are we just trying to make ourselves feel better?

It really is true.  We don’t have to remain in bondage to our addictions.  We can be set free through the grace and love of God.  But, THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO, to remove ourselves from the trash we find ourselves in.  We have to trust and rely on the only person who can ultimately free us from our garbage and it’s God.  And don’t fool yourself into believing that you will miraculously be perfect and never screw up again.  You will make mistakes and maybe even fall back into the very addictions you once found yourself in.  That’s the beautiful thing about grace.  It’s always there, always available, and always ready to lift us up out of our pit.

This week I’m being challenged to wrestle with the Egypt’s in my life.  As Ash Wednesday arrives and I find myself entering the 40 day period of time leading up to Easter, I will decide to give up something I enjoy, in an attempt to draw closer to God.  I want to allow Him an opportunity to work an amazing rescue effort in my life and ultimately save me from the slavery and bondage I so often find myself in.  I pray this will be an incredible time of growth and discovery, because Resurrection Sunday is coming and I want to be ready for the celebration.

This Makes Me Sick

I was sick and tired of my closet looking the way it did, so last Friday night I started purging.  I didn’t realize the depth of my sickness until I was finished.  When I was finally done grabbing and tossing there were two huge mounds of clothes piled up on my bedroom floor.  The sight of it was utterly disgusting!

I can’t help thinking about how trapped I am in the empire of consumption.  Something most Americans are faced with every single day but rarely gives even a second thought.  We consume so much and take for granted what we actually have.  Why do we always feel the need to have more?

This kind of confession is not new for me and I’ve written on this blog before about my desire to spend, but I’m troubled by the depth of this problem in my life.  I know I’m guilty and I’m confessing my addiction to spending and consuming.  You can see it in the picture of the six 30 gallon garbage bags filled with clothing that are still perfectly good.  I’m just getting rid of them because I haven’t worn any of it for over two years and I’m tired of digging through them to find what I actually want to wear.  And I’m so pathetic, I haven’t even removed the clothing from our game room yet and I’ve already gone and purchased a new shirt for the fund raising event we had last week.  It makes me feel like such a hypocrite.  Asking people to donate money while I spend so much on worthless and useless possessions.  I’m confident I could completely fund our non-profit on my own if I didn’t carelessly consume.

It’s not a problem I face alone.  Many people spend carelessly on things we think we need, but have no idea how much of a luxury it really is.  What I’m really wondering is will the economic crises we are finding our country in, put a halt to all of our over spending or are we so addicted we’ll continue to spend, driving ourselves deeper and deeper in debt all in the name of self-gratification.

Have you ever noticed even when you have a huge closet filled with clothes you still tend to wear the same things every week?  I know I do, so why do I feel the need to continue to buy?  Is it a sickness?  Is it addiction?  Is there some deeper need that I’m trying to fill?

I wish I knew the answer and I wish I could stop!

Do you suffer or have a problem with spending?  Especially spending on things you don’t’ need?

Do you have any suggestions you’d like to share that might help those of us with this problem to be able to stop?